Always
by lucy forst
Summary: There was something in the heart of the Half-Blood Prince that made him defy the Dark Lord once, and it still lives as his defies the Dark Lord all over again. Even if it means breathing his last...


Disclaimer: All characters mentioned in this story are the property of J.K. Rowling. The lyrics are from Bon Jovi's song 'Always.' This fanfiction has been inspired by the same song. Please don't sue me…I don't have much, anyways T_T

This one's for somebody out there. You know who you are.

**Always**

_  
And I will love you, baby - Always  
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always  
I'll be there till the stars don't shine  
Till the heavens burst and  
The words don't rhyme  
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind  
And I'll love you - Always ___

Bon Jovi

There was that first time when I realized who I really was, like the rest of the students at Hogwarts. Then there was the time that I took the Express from platform Nine and Three Quarters, also like the rest of the students. But I had something none of them did – _you_. Ever since I had known you, you were magic to me. You were the magic that I could not conjure. You were the magic that I could not hold. You were the magic that I could not even hope to learn…

And I tried, I honestly did. I was there to hold you every time you fell. I was there to make the hurt better. I was there – whether or not you needed me, because you were the most flawed piece of perfection that I had ever set eyes on, because it was _I_ who need you and even though the hat separated us I was there, standing in your shadow, waiting for you to turn around so the sun would shine on my world again.

I never really liked my father much, but then again you would know that and so I tried to stay away from home as often as I could. I tried to be everything he was not. I tried not to be everything he was – always unsatisfied, always abusive, always drunk.

When I called you 'Mudblood' I hadn't really meant it. I don't know what came over me. It wasn't the Dark Arts. It wasn't the company I kept. It was probably the fact that you never turned around to see that I was the one who had been there all along. It was probably the fact that though you were the light of my life, James was the light of yours. It was probably the fact that my life time of trying couldn't equal one smile from him. The only clear explanation would be that I hated him because _you_ loved him and in the process somewhere, I began to feel you slip away from me...

I knew soon after you met James that what we had, had begun to develop cracks but after that incident it was broken beyond repair. I tried to apologize on several occasions and in several ways.

But I could not succeed.

The times that I had given you my notes, let you surpass me, taught you tricks that most of the wizards will never learn in their lives were forgotten. All that remained was that word, that accursed word.

Mudblood.

How I hated myself for it, you cannot even imagine. How I punished myself for it, you will never know and I swear, I would have done anything to protect you, to make you happy, even if that meant betraying the Dark Lord, turning my back on my comrades, giving in to Dumbledore, scraping the Dark Mark off my skin. Anything, anything at all. Even if it meant letting you go…

Then there I was, after all those years later, staring into your eyes and James's face. I hated your son from the first moment I saw him, because he reminded me of what I had lost and could never regain, of what James had gained and would never lose and I would still protect your boy, your Harry, because I couldn't watch those eyes fall into eternal sleep again, because I still owe James a favor (though, I know that he came into the Shrieking Shack only for personal benefit) and because I know that somewhere deep down, you haven't gone yet. You're still here, inside of me.

I will not let your death be in vain.

I will not let your sacrifice be wasted.

I will not let that mark on his forehead fade.

I will not let Voldermont win.

Not this time.

Never again.

As I lie here, I know I will never see you again because you have made your place among the stars while I will spend the rest of eternity in hell (and for the deeds I have done, I truly deserve it) so I ask Harry to look at me just so I can just behold a piece of your soul one last time.

And as Nagini's poison enters my veins I try to move but I cannot, all I can do is let your son know who I truly am, because I need him to see who you were, because you are the largest part of me.

So I show him my memories, I revisit it all - all the hatred, all the pain, all the dark corners, all the bullying, all the potions, all the chants, all the teasing, all the days, all the hours, all the minutes, all of you…and just because of that, it is worth the fact that I'm burning and freezing at the same time, over and over again.

I know not what was it about you that drew me in. I have not the answer to why James was so much better than me. I cannot say why I became obsessed with darkness and power. I cannot explain why I spoke that word. All I know is that when Harry kills the Dark Lord and the Dark Lord finds me in hell, along with my fellow Death Eaters, he will probably ask me, "Why Severus?" and to that question I will have the answer.

Because I love you Lily,

"_Always…"_


End file.
